different names for the same thing

i am an idiot, and a tired idiot at that. and almost thirty, as idiots go. are idiot years the same as dog years and such? do they vary? are say, ten years of idiocy roughly equivalent to five normal years, or do idiot years progress faster?

i'm fighting my dual-employment, and school, and sleeping. trying to get to the gym. not being a bitch as i'm not getting enough sleep. my job at the UPS pays the bills, buys my food and fuel, and the second job pays for school. by and large, that's the entire budget. i can't go any farther than i have with UPS until i finish my degree, which i didn't do for a variety of reasons that you can either figure out by reading old passages on this blog, or make up for yourself. i'm not making any excuses for it.

so i'm figuring about one more year like this, and then it's all smooth sailing, right? somehow i doubt it's that simple.

i didn't grow up as i should have done, in my twenties. i made a lot of mistakes. i made a lot of enemies, and hated myself more times than i can count. i've been embarrased by myself, and i am tempted to look back at how "brilliant" i seemlingly was when i was younger. not to quote faith no more, but would anyone tell me if i was getting stupider?

this is my problem with perception, crystallized. when i'm down, i lose a little of the perception that makes it easy to get through the things that would otherwise incapacitate me. i recently had a little hyper cycle, where i was a little too "up" for my own good, and while it feels good, and while i get a lot done, this is the cost of that. now i'm down, and it hurts.

there's too much going on in the world right now for me to focus too closely on it. i take the pain that isn't mine and let it grow and grow, as pain will fill up what would otherwise be a void. i get angry, and cry of frustration. fucking hell.

so i'm going to take a little time off from blogging and try to force myself to behave as i need to to get out of this. the voice of experience tells me that getting all the places i need to be and things i need to get done accomplished are going to feel a lot more difficult than usual, and having fewer things to will perhaps help.

it all feels like a chore, and a bastardly one at that. i'm trying, but it's not always easy. this isn't meant to be one of those cry-for-help type things. my blog is a record for me to consult of my moods, and what-was-i-thinkings, and this is just another entry into it. this is payment for what i've had in the last month, and again i'm balanced. not yet overdrawn at the karma bank, as my friend tom would say.

but i'm tired, and not in the good way. so i'm just fucking weak, or i'm human, and where the line between the two is, i can't say.