perception.
it's always perception for me, that flags first. (note to newbies at the Lodge: i'm nuts, and this is a chronicle of my sick fucking moods) argh, god. i don't know why it happens or what this is this time, but hell. i feel rotten. and it's because of this that i know:
i feel bizarre, sick inside. i know that the people around me aren't plotting against me, that's preposterous. i'm not ugly, but you can't convince me otherwise right now. i feel bad in all the ways i think that a person can feel bad, i feel fat and horrible and stupid and basically like a tremendous waste of time. i'm not, but i feel it. so what's the reality of the situation? wherein lies the difference between what you feel and what you think is, or must be? what's real?
i tried to explain this to someone close to me tonight, and the best i can do is this..i've been in the company of people i know and trust lately, and i feel when i walk away that i've done something wrong, that i've made some kind of mistake. i am constantly looking over my shoulder for what's inevitably creeping up behind. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for something awful.
the badness i feel is that i lack judgment, i'm slutty, i'm ugly and the best i can do is be a party girl to have some kind of company in public. i put on a happy face and make myself get up and go and it sucks it sucks. i feel used, dirty. this isn't because i am, i hope, but because i'm so fucking paranoid and scared inside sometimes that this is how i react. unless something is so solid and real that i can literally hold it in my hands, i don't believe it.
which leaves a terrible grey area, when it comes to people. i can't read them, i can't even try. and i can't avoid them all, can i?
there is nothing wrong with me. i am no more or less falliable than anyone else, am i? i'm not cruel, i've never been disloyal, i try so hard to be kind and to understand. all this trying for empathy, to be a compassionate person opens me up to being hypersensitive, i suppose, which eventually makes me numb. i just can't take the input, i can't properly take in and process these perceptions and feelings, so i turn it off, the best i can.
why do i question myself, and why don't i, rather, why can't i trust you right now? perception.
i want to crawl into a cave and die.
fucking useless stupid falliable rotten twisted tainted broken mind.
it's always perception for me, that flags first. (note to newbies at the Lodge: i'm nuts, and this is a chronicle of my sick fucking moods) argh, god. i don't know why it happens or what this is this time, but hell. i feel rotten. and it's because of this that i know:
i feel bizarre, sick inside. i know that the people around me aren't plotting against me, that's preposterous. i'm not ugly, but you can't convince me otherwise right now. i feel bad in all the ways i think that a person can feel bad, i feel fat and horrible and stupid and basically like a tremendous waste of time. i'm not, but i feel it. so what's the reality of the situation? wherein lies the difference between what you feel and what you think is, or must be? what's real?
i tried to explain this to someone close to me tonight, and the best i can do is this..i've been in the company of people i know and trust lately, and i feel when i walk away that i've done something wrong, that i've made some kind of mistake. i am constantly looking over my shoulder for what's inevitably creeping up behind. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for something awful.
the badness i feel is that i lack judgment, i'm slutty, i'm ugly and the best i can do is be a party girl to have some kind of company in public. i put on a happy face and make myself get up and go and it sucks it sucks. i feel used, dirty. this isn't because i am, i hope, but because i'm so fucking paranoid and scared inside sometimes that this is how i react. unless something is so solid and real that i can literally hold it in my hands, i don't believe it.
which leaves a terrible grey area, when it comes to people. i can't read them, i can't even try. and i can't avoid them all, can i?
there is nothing wrong with me. i am no more or less falliable than anyone else, am i? i'm not cruel, i've never been disloyal, i try so hard to be kind and to understand. all this trying for empathy, to be a compassionate person opens me up to being hypersensitive, i suppose, which eventually makes me numb. i just can't take the input, i can't properly take in and process these perceptions and feelings, so i turn it off, the best i can.
why do i question myself, and why don't i, rather, why can't i trust you right now? perception.
i want to crawl into a cave and die.
fucking useless stupid falliable rotten twisted tainted broken mind.
posted by ginonymous at
12:39 AM
12 Comments:
I know its a drag Gin, but it gets better. Hang in there and keep you chin up. I know nothing I can type in here will make anything better, but just wanted you to know we're thinking of you when the shit gets hard.
I got nothing AA.
nothing I can tell you that will help, just want to let you know I'm there for ya.
Hmmm. You have to go to work. Otherwise you could isolate yourself for a while and see if you could reset your systems.
Sometimes withdrawl isn't bad, it's what you need.
I just read a post about perceptions over at Bill Coupe's blog. It's optimistic, and even spiritual, but it doesn't go past common sense. You might want to look here.
(((gin)))
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I go through times like this myself, in fact this is one of those times. I just try to remember that sooner or later things get better.
Holidays suck.
I don't want to invalidate your feelings but I must say that I think you are an incredibly kind person. Your kindess has helped me when I was feeling down. I hope things work up for you soon.
Big gimpy hugs,
Pants
Yes, what Pants said.
We love you and think you're wonderful, fun, empathetic, sweet, creative... so many good things.
But you are feeling what you're feeling. Maybe if you could take a rest in one of those sensory deprivation tanks???
I am going to give you my unsolicited advice because I have been where you are and you sound so much like me it's kinda creepy. Being a genuinely caring person in this world is rough. It seems like all people care about is themselves, how they look and what they can get from others. Not everyone is like that and believe it or not people talk behind your back less often than you think. It is hard to trust and hard to be confident. I thought if I went out and made a bunch of friends it would make me feel better about myself, but it didn't. The thing that got me over the rough spot was calling just one friend and finding a way to spend time with her. There are people that think you are wonderful, make time to spend with them. Stop caring so much about people that just don't matter. Attitude is everything,if you start thinking you are beautiful, you will be and it will start to rub off on everyone. Look at me, I am damn hot!! Hang in there babe. We should go drink a beer together, nobody stays bummed around me and you won't even have to fake it. :)
Perception is reality. Perception is formed by the chemicals in our brains (by the grace of the Spaghetti Monster, amen) and sometimes we modify the chemicals in our brains with chemicals in pills to improve our perception and therefore our reality. It's pretty cool when you think about it.
feel better sweetie and thanks for the bday wishes!!
if the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it truly is, really fucking sucky.
inspiration for huxley and morrison, desperation for most of us. but since our perceptions are merely reflections of our moods, our cumulative synaptic connections, transient by nature, we can at least take comfort that today's perception poisoned may be tomorrow's perfumed. well, we can try.
hang in there.
It's a new day, I hope you are in better spirits today! Have a great weekend!!
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