spam-o-rama!!
good god. i did a little experiment with my hotmail account..i've been using my ISP for personal mail, and letting the spam pile up in the ol' hotmail account until i had 350 pieces of mail waiting for my attention.
tonight while waiting for my linens to dry, i deleted them, and did a little informal survey as to who i am, or what it is i need, according to these demons. unscientific results to follow..
****
46% were someone trying to sell me something (something material, ala, flooring, radar detectors, underpants)
9% wanted me to take a survey of some sort (including three that desperately needed my opinion on the great bud light/miller lite controversy)
7% assume i need a date, or need help dating
18% were for credit cards, refinancing my home, fixing my credit, etc
6% were offers of education, from being a cop to being a physician
9% guaranteed me longer life thru use of their product (weight loss, hormones, etc)
the remaining 5% were for unrelated things, like jobs, bail and in one instance, rehab
****
there were a few standouts, which i think deserve individual attention.
dating for:
single black men
christians
mormons
AARP members
men in general
Free Diapers for Life! (for me, or what? my non-existent black christian children will be grateful certainly, when someday they exist, but until then, can i have them for myself?)
interestingly, flooring. i suppose i should be grateful that these assholes don't know more about me than they do, but in case you cared, i'm up to my ears in cheap/free good quality flooring, much thanks to warren buffett and my father. so thanks, but no worries.
and strangest of all, i recieved something like 30 offers for underwear. without a doubt, this was the most hawked item in all the spammy goodness. is there some sort of shortage of drawers in the midwest that (praise the lord) i'm not aware of? is the fact that i'm not consumed on a daily basis with the status of my undie drawer indicative of something else? am i hording? will the state troopers bust in one day and relieve me of my riches?
***
anyway, what i can surmise from all of this is that i'm a desperate black man, in need of a date, a college education, and some help with my credit, who owns these things (that i'm fairly certain i do not): a house, a baby, a drug and/or alcohol addiction who rilly rilly wants to lose weight and live to be about a hundred and thirty.
enlightenment and self-awareness come in mysterious ways. thank you spammers of america, for helping me to figure myself out.
any of you women readers want to go out friday night? i'm free, but uh, you'll have to pay.
AA
tonight while waiting for my linens to dry, i deleted them, and did a little informal survey as to who i am, or what it is i need, according to these demons. unscientific results to follow..
****
46% were someone trying to sell me something (something material, ala, flooring, radar detectors, underpants
9% wanted me to take a survey of some sort (including three that desperately needed my opinion on the great bud light/miller lite controversy)
7% assume i need a date, or need help dating
18% were for credit cards, refinancing my home, fixing my credit, etc
6% were offers of education, from being a cop to being a physician
9% guaranteed me longer life thru use of their product (weight loss, hormones, etc)
the remaining 5% were for unrelated things, like jobs, bail and in one instance, rehab
****
there were a few standouts, which i think deserve individual attention.
dating for:
single black men
christians
mormons
AARP members
men in general
Free Diapers for Life! (for me, or what? my non-existent black christian children will be grateful certainly, when someday they exist, but until then, can i have them for myself?)
interestingly, flooring. i suppose i should be grateful that these assholes don't know more about me than they do, but in case you cared, i'm up to my ears in cheap/free good quality flooring, much thanks to warren buffett and my father. so thanks, but no worries.
and strangest of all, i recieved something like 30 offers for underwear. without a doubt, this was the most hawked item in all the spammy goodness. is there some sort of shortage of drawers in the midwest that (praise the lord) i'm not aware of? is the fact that i'm not consumed on a daily basis with the status of my undie drawer indicative of something else? am i hording? will the state troopers bust in one day and relieve me of my riches?
***
anyway, what i can surmise from all of this is that i'm a desperate black man, in need of a date, a college education, and some help with my credit, who owns these things (that i'm fairly certain i do not): a house, a baby, a drug and/or alcohol addiction who rilly rilly wants to lose weight and live to be about a hundred and thirty.
enlightenment and self-awareness come in mysterious ways. thank you spammers of america, for helping me to figure myself out.
any of you women readers want to go out friday night? i'm free, but uh, you'll have to pay.
AA
posted by ginonymous at
7:21 PM
17 Comments:
I've been receiving spam at my work email address from a "company" offering degrees that do not require school. Hmm.
Mormon dating? This website provided me about an hour of entertainment today:
http://www.ldsfriends.com/
I found a plethora of interesting men, including one who listed "mac and cheese" as a hobby.
ha! i didn't know it was a hobby. i guess i'd have to say curry is one of mine.
have you ever seen Esquire's "Brutally Honest Personals"?
http://www.esquire.com/brutal/
i've tried internet dating in the past, even met one who was remarkably..normal..and i'm not sure why it strikes me as odd that he wasn't
How come you don't get all the penis enlargement and "wanna see these girls nekkid?" spam?
Oh, wait a minute, is there a reason I get them?
Oops.
I could really use that bail one if you have it still.
I got one that offered to help me increase the amount of fluid in my ejaculate.
I'm not sure what that would accomplish.
Just read the Brutally Honest Personals. Boy, those people need to be euthanized.
I think it's funny that MLA gets the penis enlargement spam instead of me. Unless, of course, she sent away for it...
Were they trying to sell or buy your underwear?
I've been getting spam for vibrators lately, which is a new trend, that and cheap refinancing.. crazyness..
why would you need to refinance a vibrator?
Every single day there are several people who think I should have Viagra, and want to increase the size of my penis, and, to really impress, crank up the volume of my ejaculation. I see Ubermilf has had this latter offer too.
I'm overcome, every day, with gratitude for their concern.
If you can refinance a vibrator what kind of deal does a blow-up doll get you?
Thank you AA, I am now obsessed with "Brutally Honest Personals." Trying to find a heinous picture so I can post one of my own!
A.A., I am so happy. I have my Halloween Theme set: haunted pirate ship.
I am soooo excited. I'm even getting a cardboard treasure chest filled with toys and candy so trick-or-treaters can reach in and pick what they want.
Can you come to my party?
cali: are you male? are you surfing "certain" sites? i'm absolutely not going to throw any blame at anyone but those who perpetrate this nonsense. i'm actually a little miffed now that no one cares about *my* erection. jeez. way to make a girl feel special.
MU: apologies, it all went out the window last night. i'll make sure to forward the next one to you.
uber: color me frightened. what if it gets out of hand an something along the lines of the biblical flood is released? wait, that's awful.
JJ: you can't euthanize anything in the Culture Of Life! next thing you know, they'll outlaw anti-bacterical soap. and i'm probably opening myself up to all kinds of abuse here, but who is that in your new profile pic?
neil: i didn't read the fine print. another chance for me to potentially make my first million..gone
LMK and nick: i've gotten the refi stuff, but never never the vibrator stuff. i don't know if i could mail order that sort of thing, as i'm still paranoid what the postman thinks of me..but that's another post altogether.
owl: once again, i'm left out. so either my hotmail addresses scream "female" or more likely "broke"..
MP: you're welcome. i don't know why i read them, but i do. to some extent, it eases the pain of knowing that i'll be home friday night, doing homework instead of out making romance or whatever passes for it..
uber, again: if it were in my power, we'd *all* be coming to your halloween party. i imagine it's something to see. i think i finally decided on a costume as well. more on that later.
There's a party at ubermilf's place and everyone is coming.
usually when you mailorder they package it so no one knows...
There are some great places that don't really say what they are like "come as you are" or "good for her"
i'm frighteningly well versed in the subject of vibrators, just ask nick
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