wednesday night
I've been thinking a lot about the things that scare me. At the height of my bipolar paranoia, I was afraid of some awfully mundane things. Case in point: I was afraid of my mailbox. To the point that I stopped checking my mail. After a couple of months, my insurance bill hadn't been paid, and they (the insurance folks) called to let me know that they would cancel my insurance if I didn't pay it. This cycle repeated a couple of times. I finally decided to face the demon mailbox, but I had to find my mailbox first. I had honestly not checked my mail in enough time that I forgot which box was mine. I tried the key in a few dozen boxes before finding mine, and shockingly, it was empty.
I called the post office and they informed me that as it hadn't been checked in so long, mailbox got so full that is, that the PO decided I didn't live there anymore and sent all of my mail back to the senders. Which only increased my anxiety.
I'm better now, which is sort of a general and blanket statement, but now and again I have one of those unnatural fear flashbacks. Every now and again, my phone rings and I am terrified to answer....just for a second. And I hate myself for it.
Interestingly, I am so quietly proud that I can function in society again, that I can go out in public and buy groceries without Xanax to make me not care. Yet I still have these issues with self-loathing. It's not the pills, I don't mind taking the pills everyday. It took me years to get over that particular issue. There is something I can't put my finger on, something that still haunts me, something ephemeral..maybe it's in the air? Maybe the pills have flavored my spit so that I can taste the what? Distrust of the world at large? I don't know.
More or less, I am so much more comfortable now. I am not overjoyed on a daily basis, nor do I live in a perfect world, but I am not living in distress anymore. This is the point. I am in control, and yet once in a while, my mind slips a little away from me and I thought I was so much better than this. This loss of control, even for a second makes me feel like I'm back on that inevitable downward slide and it makes me want to to throw it all away, all the progress I know I've made, and let it happen. Sometimes I don't want to fight anymore.
Because it is a fight. I read on someone else' s blog that we fight until hell freezes over, and then we fight on ice. And that is what life is for me sometimes. It is a fight on ice. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
I own a goddamn lot of sweaters. I'm ready.
I called the post office and they informed me that as it hadn't been checked in so long, mailbox got so full that is, that the PO decided I didn't live there anymore and sent all of my mail back to the senders. Which only increased my anxiety.
I'm better now, which is sort of a general and blanket statement, but now and again I have one of those unnatural fear flashbacks. Every now and again, my phone rings and I am terrified to answer....just for a second. And I hate myself for it.
Interestingly, I am so quietly proud that I can function in society again, that I can go out in public and buy groceries without Xanax to make me not care. Yet I still have these issues with self-loathing. It's not the pills, I don't mind taking the pills everyday. It took me years to get over that particular issue. There is something I can't put my finger on, something that still haunts me, something ephemeral..maybe it's in the air? Maybe the pills have flavored my spit so that I can taste the what? Distrust of the world at large? I don't know.
More or less, I am so much more comfortable now. I am not overjoyed on a daily basis, nor do I live in a perfect world, but I am not living in distress anymore. This is the point. I am in control, and yet once in a while, my mind slips a little away from me and I thought I was so much better than this. This loss of control, even for a second makes me feel like I'm back on that inevitable downward slide and it makes me want to to throw it all away, all the progress I know I've made, and let it happen. Sometimes I don't want to fight anymore.
Because it is a fight. I read on someone else' s blog that we fight until hell freezes over, and then we fight on ice. And that is what life is for me sometimes. It is a fight on ice. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
I own a goddamn lot of sweaters. I'm ready.
posted by ginonymous at
11:25 PM
3 Comments:
Thats...wow. I know exactly how you felt. I havent checked my own mail box in over two months because I'm scared of what might be in there. I cringe every time the phone rings. All my bills are payed(except rent), but I'm still terrified of who might be calling me wanting what. Its too the point where I get up at 7 every day to leave by eight, and dont come home for any reason until after 9 in the evening, because I dont know who might knock on my door. You've just made me realize this is not normal for me to be doing...
it's not normal, and more insidiously, it's easy to fall into the habit of. a little paranoia is maybe not a bad thing, but being afraid of things is. in my time as a Certified Nut Job (c), i've been on both ends, the one scared, and the one trying to fight the weird little night fears..they (the professionals) will tell you that when dealing with someone who may have delusions that you must not play into them. if you're dealing with your own, it's the same game.
where do you go til 9? where are you hiding?
Why are so many of us suffering from depression or bipolar disorder? It's very bizarre, don't you think?
Why are so many people's synapses not functioning properly? As soon as my Zoloft gets done repairing my brain, I'll look into it. I just don't have it in me right now.
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