i wanted to show you something beautiful
and all i have is lousy, right now. apologies folks.
i separated a couple of bones in my pelvis and oh my god, wow. all i can say is that if someone ever offers to separate bones in your pelvis for you, skip it. for the love of all that's holy, skip it.
so i hurt. so they give me more meds to take and now my brain is a pharmacological stew that i have had to opt out of. i took my pain meds, the muscle relaxants (needed so that i can stretch the tendons and muscles out so my phys therapist can manhandle them all back into the proper place), the allergy meds, the sleep inducers, the diet pills, pamprin, aspirin, and the mother-fathering effexor and guess what? i spent sunday night vomiting my guts out in front of the most attractive doc i've ever met (sorry doctor mike). given all that, i stopped taking *everything* until i'm back in control of my psyche.
i called a good, old, trusted friend and cried to him sunday night, then felt it necessary to call him back today and apologize for that. why do i feel this over-arching need to apologize all the time? because i feel like i'm a fuckup about 85% of my waking hours.
i tell him the problem is, lately, i feel all alone with this mess in my head, and even here on this blog, i feel it necessary to censor some of the crap i want to spew, just to get it out of my system. i'm not used to being lonely, but it's better when i am than when i no longer want any kind of company. i'm feeling like a weird, old, damaged person, and god help me (i fully expect an Uber-kick in the butt for this) but folks, i feel like a damaged woman. like just the kind of person who grows old with their cats and their memories. i'm certain that the birthday didn't help, and certainly spurred part of this.
i called back to apologize to him because not only do i value him as a friend and a person, but because i don't want to wierd him out the way i have some people. you get brave about your disorders, your faults, and eventually you know someone well enough that you share it with them when the time is appropriate. then they never call you back, or return your emails. or whatever. i've no one person in mind when i type this, but sort of a colloid of faces and names that i can't seem to just flush, and wonder what i did, or why this turned them so off to me. i'm afraid that when people find out about me, that they'll stop trusting me, or still worse, write off every feeling i share with them ("because she doesn't know if she means it...").
i count on my fam, because they are my family and if i can't trust them to trust me, then who do i have? in my mind, i have them, roomie A, a handful of friends from way back, and apparently whoever reads this. i trust you to not think i'm a car wreck. i trust you to read this because you're interested in what i have to say, or find something insightful or (god help you) you just like my powerful and hypnotic use of the written language. whatever it is, thanks i guess, for being the objective other, and for allowing me to shake loose some of the things that stick in my head.
anyway, more later.
i separated a couple of bones in my pelvis and oh my god, wow. all i can say is that if someone ever offers to separate bones in your pelvis for you, skip it. for the love of all that's holy, skip it.
so i hurt. so they give me more meds to take and now my brain is a pharmacological stew that i have had to opt out of. i took my pain meds, the muscle relaxants (needed so that i can stretch the tendons and muscles out so my phys therapist can manhandle them all back into the proper place), the allergy meds, the sleep inducers, the diet pills, pamprin, aspirin, and the mother-fathering effexor and guess what? i spent sunday night vomiting my guts out in front of the most attractive doc i've ever met (sorry doctor mike). given all that, i stopped taking *everything* until i'm back in control of my psyche.
i called a good, old, trusted friend and cried to him sunday night, then felt it necessary to call him back today and apologize for that. why do i feel this over-arching need to apologize all the time? because i feel like i'm a fuckup about 85% of my waking hours.
i tell him the problem is, lately, i feel all alone with this mess in my head, and even here on this blog, i feel it necessary to censor some of the crap i want to spew, just to get it out of my system. i'm not used to being lonely, but it's better when i am than when i no longer want any kind of company. i'm feeling like a weird, old, damaged person, and god help me (i fully expect an Uber-kick in the butt for this) but folks, i feel like a damaged woman. like just the kind of person who grows old with their cats and their memories. i'm certain that the birthday didn't help, and certainly spurred part of this.
i called back to apologize to him because not only do i value him as a friend and a person, but because i don't want to wierd him out the way i have some people. you get brave about your disorders, your faults, and eventually you know someone well enough that you share it with them when the time is appropriate. then they never call you back, or return your emails. or whatever. i've no one person in mind when i type this, but sort of a colloid of faces and names that i can't seem to just flush, and wonder what i did, or why this turned them so off to me. i'm afraid that when people find out about me, that they'll stop trusting me, or still worse, write off every feeling i share with them ("because she doesn't know if she means it...").
i count on my fam, because they are my family and if i can't trust them to trust me, then who do i have? in my mind, i have them, roomie A, a handful of friends from way back, and apparently whoever reads this. i trust you to not think i'm a car wreck. i trust you to read this because you're interested in what i have to say, or find something insightful or (god help you) you just like my powerful and hypnotic use of the written language. whatever it is, thanks i guess, for being the objective other, and for allowing me to shake loose some of the things that stick in my head.
anyway, more later.
posted by ginonymous at
9:21 PM
2 Comments:
Baby, it's your blog and you can spew if you want to! Spew away, no apologies. We can take it!
First of all, you separated your pelvis? What the hell kind of party did you have?
Secondly, We all spew on our blogs. If some of us haven't yet, we will.
I always cared about what other people thought. Now I seriously have started to not give a shit. I don't know how or why, but it feels great. I would send you a bottle if I knew what it was.
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