things to come to terms with
i'm nuts. or sick, depending on how you want to look at it.
my personality, my outlook on things, it changes so radically and so rapidly sometimes i feel like i don't know myself. this isn't hyperbole, it's day to day living when you're a fucking bipolar.
or i suppose, if you were fucking a bipolar (cue yuks).
i tried. i have been so game to try all the different solutions i've been offered, and i've kept up, and kept working and paying my bills and going to the gym and trying to be a good sport and i hate it. to quote myself in a letter i sent to a friend today:
i wanted you to know that i understand (believe me, i'm intimate with) being overwhelmed. sometimes by the most pedestrian things. it's hard, and i'm tired, and i'm tired of being on drugs and i'm tired of feeling like i'm from another planet, or like i'm underwater, and
i'm tired of questioning myself everytime i feel good, and i'm tired of being so paranoid, and on and on and on. and i have no choice but to do just that.
i wanted to be eloquent, sometimes it helps to write things down, even if i only delete/cross out/throw it away at the end of the writing. i have to get this out of my head, though. and if you've read this far, beware, it only gets meaner.
let me ask you something: have you ever in a moment of altruism, wished you could take the suffering of someone else on yourself because you feel like for some reason you're more capable of taking it, than they are, at that moment? apparently, i'm the most evil person on the planet tonight, because tonight for the first time instead of screaming "why me?" i want someone else to take this. i'm tired of taking things on myself, i want someone to come take this from me. god dammit. i'm tired. i'm so paranoid, and my mind moving so fast i can't sleep, and my body is exhausted. i work 28 of every thirty days. because if i'm not asleep, then i should be working, or doing some sort of penance to fix (?) or take back all of the mistakes i made when i was younger. i'll be paying for my various treatments and meds for the rest of my life. i'll be paying emotionally every minute of everyday for the rest of my time for something i didn't do anything to earn. fantastic outlook on the rest of one's life.
the last ten years. i can't remember where i was, or what i did for a lot of it. i was so smart, and so good and so very young once, and now all i feel is strung out and wierd.
and it was mine! it was mine and it's gone, and now i want someone to come take the rest of this trash away from me and if the drugs are going to make me slow and simple and stupid, then let me be happy while i'm drooling on myself. at least let me not care. at least let me sleep.
good times, good feelings, it's all transient. that is the one thing that makes me angriest. i can calm down, i can stop hating and being afraid sometimes, sometimes for months, and it's a gift. and then someday, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, it's gone. again. over and over and over.
so i'm going to sit right here and smoke and worry about tomorrow until the sun comes up. i'm going to think about all the things i did wrong in the last day. i'm going to wonder what's going to go wrong tomorrow, and be hopeful for things that are, by my own nature, transient. things that are doomed to fail, apparently.
and in a day or two, or maybe a week or a month, i'll feel better. and i'll be better for awhile. and i'll be hopeful again. and then i'll lose it. rewind erase. start back at square one. fuck.
in the meantime, i want to be a character in a book. or a song lyric, or a photo, or anything that is memorable and fixed. in the meantime, i'm awake.
i am so tired.
my personality, my outlook on things, it changes so radically and so rapidly sometimes i feel like i don't know myself. this isn't hyperbole, it's day to day living when you're a fucking bipolar.
or i suppose, if you were fucking a bipolar (cue yuks).
i tried. i have been so game to try all the different solutions i've been offered, and i've kept up, and kept working and paying my bills and going to the gym and trying to be a good sport and i hate it. to quote myself in a letter i sent to a friend today:
i wanted you to know that i understand (believe me, i'm intimate with) being overwhelmed. sometimes by the most pedestrian things. it's hard, and i'm tired, and i'm tired of being on drugs and i'm tired of feeling like i'm from another planet, or like i'm underwater, and
i'm tired of questioning myself everytime i feel good, and i'm tired of being so paranoid, and on and on and on. and i have no choice but to do just that.
i wanted to be eloquent, sometimes it helps to write things down, even if i only delete/cross out/throw it away at the end of the writing. i have to get this out of my head, though. and if you've read this far, beware, it only gets meaner.
let me ask you something: have you ever in a moment of altruism, wished you could take the suffering of someone else on yourself because you feel like for some reason you're more capable of taking it, than they are, at that moment? apparently, i'm the most evil person on the planet tonight, because tonight for the first time instead of screaming "why me?" i want someone else to take this. i'm tired of taking things on myself, i want someone to come take this from me. god dammit. i'm tired. i'm so paranoid, and my mind moving so fast i can't sleep, and my body is exhausted. i work 28 of every thirty days. because if i'm not asleep, then i should be working, or doing some sort of penance to fix (?) or take back all of the mistakes i made when i was younger. i'll be paying for my various treatments and meds for the rest of my life. i'll be paying emotionally every minute of everyday for the rest of my time for something i didn't do anything to earn. fantastic outlook on the rest of one's life.
the last ten years. i can't remember where i was, or what i did for a lot of it. i was so smart, and so good and so very young once, and now all i feel is strung out and wierd.
and it was mine! it was mine and it's gone, and now i want someone to come take the rest of this trash away from me and if the drugs are going to make me slow and simple and stupid, then let me be happy while i'm drooling on myself. at least let me not care. at least let me sleep.
good times, good feelings, it's all transient. that is the one thing that makes me angriest. i can calm down, i can stop hating and being afraid sometimes, sometimes for months, and it's a gift. and then someday, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, it's gone. again. over and over and over.
so i'm going to sit right here and smoke and worry about tomorrow until the sun comes up. i'm going to think about all the things i did wrong in the last day. i'm going to wonder what's going to go wrong tomorrow, and be hopeful for things that are, by my own nature, transient. things that are doomed to fail, apparently.
and in a day or two, or maybe a week or a month, i'll feel better. and i'll be better for awhile. and i'll be hopeful again. and then i'll lose it. rewind erase. start back at square one. fuck.
in the meantime, i want to be a character in a book. or a song lyric, or a photo, or anything that is memorable and fixed. in the meantime, i'm awake.
i am so tired.
posted by ginonymous at
12:18 AM
12 Comments:
I feel for you. As much as someone without bipolar disorder could. You are so very human in all the things you think and feel. I'm so sorry that this is the mood (or pool of moods) that you're in right now. I don't know if it helps, but for those of us who go through panic attacks, or lose our sense of reality when our emotions are at stress level and life is at stress level, and everything is just too hard to really get a hold of, it frequently feels like square one. The important thing is that you remind yourself of these things:
1. it is what it is. So you work on how you'll be dealing with it. What you tell yourself and get in the routine of telling yourself in these situations has a lasting impact. Definitely continue the practice of positive self-talk and cathartic expression.
2. it's a daily task. You (and the rest of us) don't take a break from getting up and working on daily improvement, in hopes for better days in the future.
3. you use the tools you have around you...utilize the support, the drugs, the extra sleep, the good nutrients...anything that makes it easier. Don't let pride get in your way and sabotage what could be an easier route.
4. Know that you're not alone.
Thank you for posting this. I wish I could take it all away from you. I do hope for some relief and balance and peace for you.
it is what it is.
sounds like a lot of what i learn from DBT and the various buddhists i encounter around here. i try so very hard to live in the now, that is, to not worry about the past or the future, as it just takes up time i could spend being/doing something else.
i appreciate your comments, and your good intention. despite what i said, i already feel like an asshole for wishing this on anyone. we all have our crosses to bear, and this happens to be mine. sometimes it chafes me a little, tho. but thank you.
You have to wonder, though -- what would it be like to be one of the people who just flit about on the surface of life, happy as a clam?
Who find happiness ordering from the Pottery Barn catalog or getting a makeover at a department store? What would that be like?
What you say reminds me of people I know who deal with chronic pain, particularly a chidhood friend of mind who's had arthritis her entire life and it gets progressively worse. Thanks to people like Rush Limbaugh, she has to got to the hospital to get her Oxycontin.
So many people are suffering in so many different ways.
Ahhh the "Happy", I look for it all the time. Is it a few weeks down the road when that wonderful holiday Halloween shows up. Is it the other day when my laptop came back home. Well, im not really sure but I try to think that if I stay in the "now" instead of the "then" I don’t get overwhelmed with the "Not Happy". I guess what I try to do is live in the present as a continuation rather than think about the other temporal zones of my life. If only my life were a beer commercial and I could stay in that "now" all the time. I tried it this weekend but it just made me sick and it was too chilly for a Hawaiian shirt and Speedo.
ubie,
to flit through the surface of life. i think this is probably what being a teenager is all about, so maybe that's what i fondly recall. whatever. i am tired of it, and maybe it's my reaction to something i can't change that needs changing (did that make sense?)...what i've found is that instead of getting wiser, i'm getting more cynical. instead of taking my good times and capitalizing on them, i realize that they're not going to last.
i don't know. i needed to get the angst out before it stained my hat, though. as it was coming out my ears.
CW: you're right. how did everyone learn this "live in the now" thing but me? why am i constantly planning and trying to do better than i did last year, and why am i constantly worried about the future?
i have chosen to blame work, retail america and the investment industry.
anyone who's ever worked in retail is familiar with last year's numbers. they're always in a binder covered with greasy fingerprints above the bosses' desk. and you *must beat them*. meanwhile, charles schwab wants to know how i intend to finance my racing horse farm when i'm sixty and can no longer work like this. 'scuse me, chaz, but i don't plan on living that long. the day comes that i can't work, i'm going to shoot myself in the head.
grrr..
Living in the now is tricky. I studied Buddhism at a local monastery...when I first started going there I day dreamed about shaving my head and running away with the nuns. To be free of all delusions and focused in a life encompassing practice sounded like a dream come true. But that is not my reality and I often find myself struggling to stay in the now.
I don't know if you would be interested but I found this book by Sharon Salzberg to be helpful with some of the demons from my past and future.
If I could I'd take some of it for you.
By the way....living in the now? Yup...that's something that LOTS o' folks work on all the damn time. You're right, work and other areas don't really train us to do this...it's something we have to do on our own, in spite of society.
I wish I could take away your asshole feelings about yourself.
Glad you continue to vent, and hope that things feel better.
"Living in the now" seems to have become an over simplified self-help term, a cliché, passed over with nods and false understanding. Many people talk about it without really deliberating and acting upon the concept. I know it's a simple one, but its application in daily life can be veeerrry challenging. I'm afflicted with chronic anxiety about the future and a tendency of getting stuck spinning out in past events. I understand that particular part of your headspace...but I won't pretend to have a clue about the impact of bipolar disorder on those existing tendencies.
I've struggled with clinical low-grade, un-medicated depression for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be a happy-go-lucky person flitting along without a care in the world, but now, I'm (sometimes) grateful for my downward spirals. As you said, the nature of moods and feelings are transient. I would never be satisfied as a fly skimming the surface of a pond...gotta be the big-ass fish diving deep and breaking the surface with dramatic leaps of clarity. Those depths have proven to be invaluable to me...But, fuck do I ever hate feeling trapped underwater at the time ;)
You are right that the good times don't last....they become bad, then good, then bad. It's exhausting riding that out, but it's always calm beneath.
This too shall pass. Trite, but true.
Btw...been reading you for ages...love your writing.
I've been trying for a full day to think of something to say that won't sound trite, but all I can come up with is, it's always darkest around midnight so go to bed.
That's about as tough as my tough love gets. Feel better.
mp: thank you for thre recommended book. i've read a lot of (and i'm certain i'm going to spell this wrong) Thich Nhat Than's books, and they help. but dammit, i'm human and when i stress too much (or sleep too little), i often forget my lessons. alas.
mona, leah: it is harder than it sounds, living in the now. it's hard to practice in the world we live in. i have wanted to run away, find some quiet place to hide and reconcile myself with my head, but i can't just keep running everytime things get icky. moreover, i kind of like this world, and the things i seen and done.
leah: thank you for reading.
jj: i went to bed. and i made myself sleep (thank you, NyQuil) and i do feel better today. cirlces under the eyes just make me look tough, and keep people out of my way.
Interesting post.
I'll tell you something weird, I just wrote something offline, and it covers a ten year period, and it covers wondering where it's gone, and the inability to feel good about good times because of having learned too damned well that it just won't last. Turns out ill brains think alike. And feeling low... well, damn it, Brains. This sick sponge inside? It's the worst one to go wrong - and if it goes wrong just enough that nothing works right but that everything still to all appearances works... constantly taunted by skirting genuine health and then having the rug torn away... son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. What might have been..? But no: "Be in the now," "Act as if." Jesus.
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