homework blues
arghhh..I just finished writing a paper, which isn't anything extraordinary. What is, the damn thing runs to 5500 words and is something like 22 pages long. So I'm a little spent.
It's been an interesting day, but here at the end of it, I feel pretty productive. I've got this abomination complete, the laundry's on it's way to a happy state of warm and fragrant and I find myself thinking about a little sumthin sumthin for a midnight snack. Maybe a sloppy joe? Temptation.
If you haven't already, you really must check out Owl's blog (see link at right) and get an eyeful of the Freaking Green Elf Shorts. Not much can elicit from my cold heart the kind of giddy schoolgirl laughter that these did. I'll learn the HTML to implant the link in my text another day. I've done enough of the fancy book learnin' tonight.
Point of all this is perspective. I have come a long way in healing myself, and in finding myself again and learning to like who I am, but I still have pitfalls every now and again where I lose perspective completely. Lucky for me, I have a rather well-grounded mother and a good friend who doesn't care when I call, as long as I do so, and they're both gifted at smacking the reality of the situation right back into me. When faced with finishing a paper, especially when it's near completion anyway, there really isn't that much of a challenge. To give you an example of what I mean when I say problems with perspective, I'll illustrate with this example: I was down today, a lot and for no reason. I'm concerned about my job, about finances, about lots of things. There's stress in anyone's day-to-day. So I'm down, and I start fretting about the quality of this one paper (which by the way, regardless of quality can't possibly take my grade under a B) and this leads me to question the sanity of my going to school at all, which leads to what the hell am I doing making plans for the future, and so on. So I find myself at the bottom of a dark hopeless place as a result of my own imagination.
This happens more frequently than I like, and I can tell myself the entire way down that this is a delusion of mine, and that it'll change soon, that I can get out of this..but it doesn't stop the fall in every case. Sometimes I need that hit of reality. Today it was going for bubble tea with my brother. He also has a certain aura of reality about him, and a tireless good humor and we have a way of making each other laugh about absurdities, and that helps like none other.
There's a cheesy old saying about how nothing suceeds like success, and in my case it's true. Finishing my paper, and getting the household chores seem to have been enough to being me back for the evening, to a place and time that I like, that I'm in control of. Perspective is one of those effluvial things that are only really defined properly in the mind of each individual. You might as well try to concretely define art, or the color blue for someone else, as tell them what their perspective on the situation is.
So that's my nugget for the night. Now go look at the shorts!
It's been an interesting day, but here at the end of it, I feel pretty productive. I've got this abomination complete, the laundry's on it's way to a happy state of warm and fragrant and I find myself thinking about a little sumthin sumthin for a midnight snack. Maybe a sloppy joe? Temptation.
If you haven't already, you really must check out Owl's blog (see link at right) and get an eyeful of the Freaking Green Elf Shorts. Not much can elicit from my cold heart the kind of giddy schoolgirl laughter that these did. I'll learn the HTML to implant the link in my text another day. I've done enough of the fancy book learnin' tonight.
Point of all this is perspective. I have come a long way in healing myself, and in finding myself again and learning to like who I am, but I still have pitfalls every now and again where I lose perspective completely. Lucky for me, I have a rather well-grounded mother and a good friend who doesn't care when I call, as long as I do so, and they're both gifted at smacking the reality of the situation right back into me. When faced with finishing a paper, especially when it's near completion anyway, there really isn't that much of a challenge. To give you an example of what I mean when I say problems with perspective, I'll illustrate with this example: I was down today, a lot and for no reason. I'm concerned about my job, about finances, about lots of things. There's stress in anyone's day-to-day. So I'm down, and I start fretting about the quality of this one paper (which by the way, regardless of quality can't possibly take my grade under a B) and this leads me to question the sanity of my going to school at all, which leads to what the hell am I doing making plans for the future, and so on. So I find myself at the bottom of a dark hopeless place as a result of my own imagination.
This happens more frequently than I like, and I can tell myself the entire way down that this is a delusion of mine, and that it'll change soon, that I can get out of this..but it doesn't stop the fall in every case. Sometimes I need that hit of reality. Today it was going for bubble tea with my brother. He also has a certain aura of reality about him, and a tireless good humor and we have a way of making each other laugh about absurdities, and that helps like none other.
There's a cheesy old saying about how nothing suceeds like success, and in my case it's true. Finishing my paper, and getting the household chores seem to have been enough to being me back for the evening, to a place and time that I like, that I'm in control of. Perspective is one of those effluvial things that are only really defined properly in the mind of each individual. You might as well try to concretely define art, or the color blue for someone else, as tell them what their perspective on the situation is.
So that's my nugget for the night. Now go look at the shorts!
posted by ginonymous at
11:05 PM
7 Comments:
I saw the shorts. But since you mentioned the whole brain malfunction thing again, I have a question.
That whole afraid-of-the-mailbox thing really got me thinking. I've never mentioned my fear of the mail, opening bills, doing banking, parallel parking... well, many anxieties actually -- to my doctor. I thought it was just me being weird. I will definitely talk to him about it when I see him next, along with the physical side effects I get -- coiled-up muscles, chewing my tongue.
So the question is: is that anxiety? Or part of my depression? Or, other? You never mentioned having anxiety but it's common to have it concurrent with another disorder like depression, right?
my anxiety is a product of paranoia in my case, as i'm actually a pretty laid-back person. my fear of the mailbox was a real honest-to-god, "if i open it, They'll find me" kind of fear.
and it could be part of the depression, i suppose, i think it's not unheard of. mike would be the one to ask, as i'm no doctor. you might mention it to whoever you speak to about your depression and let them investigate a little.
i know that's not much of an answer, but it's my gut feeling that if it bothers you enough that you have physical symptoms, it's probably real enough to consult someone about.
Yeah, I've got mild but persistent anxiety and depression. Actually, the depression comes and goes, but the anxiety kinda stays. So maybe my depression is an outgrowth of my anxiety?
Whatever. I have a Dr.'s checkup soon anyway. I just never thought to mention some symptoms because it was "just me".
I'm sorry if I keep bugging you. I just haven't talked to anyone about this kind of stuff before. I checked out Icarus project, too. Thanks!
That is such a wonderful post. Perspective is CRITICAL. And it's so important to have people who can help you with that as well. I don't know if you're working on thought-stopping as one of your new habits. But I've noticed that lately, when I have one of those days where one thing seems overwhelming or depressing, I try to switch gears and think about something else and then lo and behold, that subject seems overwhelming, too...and then I do the downward spiral. Now, when I find myself starting that chain, I realize, "OH, WHOA, I've got my overwhelming goggles on today and nothing is gonna look good so I'm gonna stop right here and wait until tomorrow to think about anything." Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes it's a seriously bad day, but either way, I try to stop it and just focus on tasks at hand and plow through without thinking much (sounds dangerous, huh?).
But it looks as though success and productivity is what did it for you...so congratulations! Definitely do what works and it's going to get better and better.
Thanks for sharing all your obstacles. It's good for all of us to share.
To ubermilf....it's great that you're going to talk with your doctor more about symptoms and options. Anxiety and depression are often partners in crime and it becomes a tag team effect. The good news is I believe it's very easy to work on with the right balance of medication and therapy. Best wishes to you.
I used to watch the cars pass the street for hours on end, knowing that the next one coming by was going to be that one where they would come out for me. I knew I couldn't run fast enough, and I didn't have the guts to fight, so I just sat there frozen, waiting for the car.
Then I got the elf-shorts, and everything was ok. :) Oh, I don't know. My brain has definitely stopped compounding things so much. What I mean is, when I'm dealing with one thing, it seems to stay more or less on that thing, rather than bringing in all the shit that isn't even half related to that thing but is certainly out of my control anyway and making me explode with responsibility for the dos and not-dos of the rest of the world. In other words, I kind of just do the washing up rather than worry that I'm using water that could save an Ethiopian's life and cry for the rest of the day/give all my money to a cause (depending on mood state).
A thousand congratulations on finishing the paper. I know what you mean about success breeding success. It does feel good, and you can get by pretty decently on things going well. It can even be a very good version of "health". :)
Imagination is too powerful, but too wonderful. Do you read Celti? I mention her because she's just had a post about a bad day, and then a post about how she's rescued herself with good thoughts from her past. Quite a skill, and one that shows imagination's other side.
Anyway, my amazing anon, I think I should say that 1) drugs are working and 2) my original guess at your identity was half a step to the left but now, of course, I completely know who you are!! LOL :D
Uber,
you're welcome to ask me anything you want. that's part of why i started this page, in order that those of us who live with this can talk with each other. "talk", whatever. i won't say that i have answers, but often as not (for me anyway) just getting things off my chest and out in the open helps me to look at them more objectively, and the input from others is welcome. so please, ask away and i'll impart anything i can.
mona,
i worked with a type of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy..there's a component to it called core mindfulness which has a lot of basis in buddhism (which i'm not, by the by). you have to be able to focus. it's close perhaps to this idea of stopping your thoughts...it's really hard to learn but i'm working on it. you just observe, you don't judge your thoughts. imagine that everything going through your head is on a conveyor belt..you just watch them go by, and let go of analysis and judgement. it centers me. helps.
owl,
just getting through some things is a victory. small victories add up. and my real name is ginny. most people just call me gin.
i think people are seeing through my clever sham to hide my identity.
ok, i'm paris hilton. really.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home