depakote

which i know nothing about. so, we'll give this a shot.

apparently, it's very ordinary for people to eventually develop a resistance to their meds. hm. so this is nothing all that unusual. i've been off mood stabilizers for a long time, so it can't possibly hurt.

anyway, that's the update for now.

not fucking cool

i hadda drive from the west side to the east side tonight, running home to get my blood donor card for my appt with the red cross tonight (*if you don't donate blood or platelets, you are a puss*)..traffic on the westbound lanes was slowing and stopping and i realized, looking in between the cars that there was a large dog fighting to get to the other side of the road.

someone in a truck hit him.

i can't blame anyone, really, it was an accident, and traffic on kellogg gets up to about 70, so if someone/thing jumped out in front of you, it would be incredibly difficult to stop.

i was in the right hand lane, and pulled out of traffic onto the shoulder and ran over to where the dog was, another man doing the same. we pulled the dog out of traffic and onto the shoulder. he was bleeding badly from the head, and given how he was bleeding, probably wounded internally as well. a cop pulled by and said he had to get to a traffic accident and would call animal control for us, and left. there wasn't anything else we could do, tho. i wrapped a windbreaker around him, because i have no medical training at all, and it seemed all i could do. keep him warm.

this man and i sat there with him, until he died. there was no identifying tag on his collar, but it was clear that he was someone's pet. someone's gonna get home tonight and their dog won't be in the backyard anymore, and unless they call animal control, i don't suppose they'll ever know.

god, i know in the grand scheme, it's not a big deal. but i never saw anything die right in front of me before, and it made me feel so helpless. when i got back to my car, i started crying for some person's dog. i just couldn't bear to leave a dying anything on the side of the road by itself, and i know it's foolish to approach a hurt animal, but it was all i could do. and it was so little.

so i'm going to cry a little more, because i have a soft fucking heart, and then i'm going to go have a beer and try to put this week behind me, already.

my docs have decided, and you, gentle reader, may have noticed my mood has been a little bleak. i've mentioned more than once that since people i "know" have started reading this that i censor my thoughts more than i used to, or mean to perhaps. any rate, any bleakness you've noticed is far more pronounced in real life.. it's been bad, and i recognize it for what it is, and the docs say that i've likely developed some resistance to my psychotropic drugs. so i'm quitting this one, and the withdrawal is fucking awful. i feel it in my head, my chest, my legs, and my heart. i actually felt bad enough that i considered packing a bag and checking into the hospital voluntarily until this part is over, and whatever they decided to regulate my mood with this time has started to kick in.

i'm not flighty, just low low low. i don't want to get out of bed, although i don't sleep well when i'm there. it takes nothing much to overwhelm me right now, and i'm just so goddamned lonely. the holidays don't help, clearly.

i opted against the hospital, for the time being. i've an appointment thursday to see them again, and at that time, i'll be introduced to whatever my new regimen will be. there may in fact be a return to the bad ol days of lithium. christ. so cross your fingers for me, and i'll try to be strong until then, and i suppose this will be my open diary this time. you've not gotten to see me start over in this blog, and i've not written it down before, so maybe this time i will. depends.

like car wrecks? i've got 'em.

nick gots a new kitten

and a roundup.

saturday, we had to kick three crackheads and their pet adolescent girl out so that we could close the store. all of us who were there had a serious case of the utz, that is, the bad vibes off these peoples.

earlier that same day, some gal threatened to sue us because we "ruined christmas". hey, i thought it was a recreational thing, rather than a punishable offense. who knew?

on christmas, i managed to spill not one, but two drinks on my father.

and today, i didn't have to go in because someone threatened to bomb the mall. as i told my bro, if they follow through, this will be the best christmas ever!

i'm a tired monkey

but things are looking up. if i can just finish with this wrapping of prezzies, it'll all be good.

i picked up nick's present today, rather yesterday (i just got home from work, a little confused as to the date) so i think..i'm done. yep, check check check. done.

i'm gonna post this, then grab some sleep and go pick up the DVR i was given yesterday. neat! then it's rumcake time. mmmm...

blog has been nasty lately, apologies. herge smith has the elf shorts, and if i'm not mistaken, will be posting the pic on xmas itself. i'm gonna take this thing down after the holiday and see if i can't make it prettier. or such that it smells nice. or something, it lacks something. whatever. it may or may not be here when next you check, but will be back, hopefully with totally '06 modifications.

i get to work the door at The Cedar for new years' (free drinks, bitch!), and some old good friends are passing thru town next week, so despite myself, i'm in a pretty good mood. i think hell just dropped a degree or two. scary.

AA

i pulled my last post down as it reeked of vitriol. this week in retail is taking it's toll on me. if i have to endure one more yuppie fuck trying to get something for nothing, i will simply asplode. you can't buy something in a retail store (e.g. scissors) for three bucks and expect to get the performance of a $40 pair of shears. simply put. maybe at the flea market, you'll find hidden treasure. not so at the mall, friends and neighbors. it's the same crap as the other side of town, with the same prices and the same surly attitude.

and frankly, i like saying yuppie fuck. "Hey Yuppie Fuck! Your kid just took a shit under the christmas tree, you wanna get some Kleenex or something and help?"

and slowly, this post devolves into vitriol as well. apologies.

what's important about this time of year, as if you need to hear it from me, is not the stuff under the tree. it's not the tree. it's not even the eggnog and rumcake, although that helps. it's about considering our families and friends, and being grateful for what we have right now instead of grousing about the Xbox we can't find/afford.

it's shocking because the ad for the Rolex is right next to the pleading for blankets for the homeless in the paper. it's shocking because instead of people ostensibly teaching their children about the birth of half of the worlds' lord and and savior, they're teaching them to be greedy unstobbable consumers. there's so much buildup, so much saccharine crap on TV. why can't i be jolly? i tried.

i put on my reindeer horns and my nametag and went to work, and got a thorough ass-kicking from the DM. i have no budget for people, ergo the work's not getting done. the ad in the paper listed the wrong store hours, so instead of corporate putting out a correction, we've to open earlier and stay later. no worries, it's all the same. so another holiday comes and goes, and you know what i want for christmas this year? inner peace. acceptance of myself. to experience calm. a good night's sleep. an end to never-ending war. politicians that can be trusted. beds and food for those that don't have it.

none of that's offered in my store, at any price. nor any store i've found.

bruises aside, i'm beginning to think i made a mistake when i left my old job. i gave up my tenure, my bennies, my friends and a sense of doing something for this mess..

then i talked with dan, who was one of my drivers, who delivers to my store. he tells me that they sent a driver out wednesday (peak day, something like 50 brazillion packages in the system) with 450 stops. a really good driver who knows his area like the back of his hand and is better-than-average lucky will pull off 18 stops an hour. this cat is a cover driver (read: may or may not know the area), in a ryder truck (read: no shelves, no order to the shit that's in there).

i don't know where i'm going with this post. i've been awol more than not lately, so i thought i'd check in, and it's my blog so i can say whatever i want. i hate christmas. i have since i hit puberty. no one has enough money this time of year, and everyone feels some obligation to pull things off, be they dinner or presents or parties, whatever. i remember the years when mom and dad weren't together and just how fucking awful that was. i don't have any time or money right now, so i'm suffering that guilt as well as probably inflicting it on other people with my mere existence.

yeah, it may have its roots in something perhaps sacred, but now it's a monumental group-grope for the retailers, the shippers, the old fat drunks who play santa and diddle the kids.

but, on the upshot, it's a day off.

180 degrees

okay, perhaps only 52.

perhaps this makes me weird, but work is often sort of a balm to me. that's exaggerated, but it's true. feeling a sense of purpose and getting things done always fulfills me some.

the weather's been gorgeous the last few days as well. the cats have been well-behaved. and i finally figured out what to the nick for christmas. i abused my free two week trial to napster to download a bunch of Grandmaster Flash and spent the morning cleaning a little and doing the robot around the living room. Dad dropped by and we hit OC for some stromboli. all these things make me happy, in a simple way and those kinds of happy don't make me suspicious. i feel better, and safe and warm and fat..yay!

i want to thank you lot for your kind thoughts, i really do. my moods can turn on a dime, and sometimes do. i'm not out of this funk yet, but at least anymore i'm aware of what's going on, and therefore have some semblance of control. going to take this good turn in myself and try to make it last as long as i can.

and i found this picture on my camera, while cleaning it out in anticipation of a festive holiday photo-shooting spree..

lobster feet

i found another photo that backs up my theory that billy idol and i were perhaps separated at birth. however, there's cropping to be done, and i'm supposed to be dealing with my seasonal sets today. also, i'm halfway through a new skirt. what i'm trying to say, i've a lot of crap to do. i have to get on top of it, finish things, this will all back my burgeoning feel-good.

who can think about paranoia with lobster feet? my anti-psychotics are not the kind of thing i'm proud of, but i'll be damned if they don't help.

anyway, bloggers, thanks. keep your fingers crossed. it's always clearer by light of day, seems, or maybe i can just see through my own (incorrect) convictions. night comes again, damned if it won't, and i'll try just to sleep this evening instead of worrying about things that may or may not even be real. i have to control myself, and as with anything else or anyone else, self-control is difficult. it's not that it's pleasant to slide from medium-okay to paranoiaville, but it's easier to slide than it is to control it, or to try. it's hard to make sense of it, it's hard to not freak out. i'm human, and humans often opt for what's easier, even if the payoff isn't there.

just as with going up, coming down is easy. when i'm headed up, i have to exert control to prevent myself from losing reality, and when it's down, i have to try and control it to keep from crashing. gently gently. this happens maybe twice a year, i'll try and go full circle on my feelings, my moods, i suppose. i've probably touched on all this before, so i'll not bore you again with the same song and dance..if you understand bipolar or are close to someone who is, you'll probably see something familiar here.

i'm gonna be fine, i'm just not gonna be great for a while, and if i can be content with that, if i can be gentle and firm with myself, then that's enough. it's still hard. i'm not looking for sympathy, i'm trying to be open with (the infinite) you, and myself. i need these logs of mine to track myself and find connections.

anyway, i'm off to get ready for retail christmas shenanigans.

perception.

it's always perception for me, that flags first. (note to newbies at the Lodge: i'm nuts, and this is a chronicle of my sick fucking moods) argh, god. i don't know why it happens or what this is this time, but hell. i feel rotten. and it's because of this that i know:

i feel bizarre, sick inside. i know that the people around me aren't plotting against me, that's preposterous. i'm not ugly, but you can't convince me otherwise right now. i feel bad in all the ways i think that a person can feel bad, i feel fat and horrible and stupid and basically like a tremendous waste of time. i'm not, but i feel it. so what's the reality of the situation? wherein lies the difference between what you feel and what you think is, or must be? what's real?

i tried to explain this to someone close to me tonight, and the best i can do is this..i've been in the company of people i know and trust lately, and i feel when i walk away that i've done something wrong, that i've made some kind of mistake. i am constantly looking over my shoulder for what's inevitably creeping up behind. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for something awful.

the badness i feel is that i lack judgment, i'm slutty, i'm ugly and the best i can do is be a party girl to have some kind of company in public. i put on a happy face and make myself get up and go and it sucks it sucks. i feel used, dirty. this isn't because i am, i hope, but because i'm so fucking paranoid and scared inside sometimes that this is how i react. unless something is so solid and real that i can literally hold it in my hands, i don't believe it.

which leaves a terrible grey area, when it comes to people. i can't read them, i can't even try. and i can't avoid them all, can i?

there is nothing wrong with me. i am no more or less falliable than anyone else, am i? i'm not cruel, i've never been disloyal, i try so hard to be kind and to understand. all this trying for empathy, to be a compassionate person opens me up to being hypersensitive, i suppose, which eventually makes me numb. i just can't take the input, i can't properly take in and process these perceptions and feelings, so i turn it off, the best i can.

why do i question myself, and why don't i, rather, why can't i trust you right now? perception.

i want to crawl into a cave and die.

fucking useless stupid falliable rotten twisted tainted broken mind.

christmas presents

nearly everyone on my gift list is getting something handmade this year.

i like to make stuff. i'm wierd that way.

someone go tell McDougal his present is almost ready.

way to go, asshats!

fitting, no?

hadda be done

it's snowing, properly, for the first time this year.

i waited until my much more responsible friends had gone safely to sleep, and went and cut donuts in all the empty parking lots on this side of town.

the east side has been besmirched!

ha! god i love snow. love it. the air is clearer, at night it looks like the air is dusted with diamonds and the world gets so quiet when it's muffled thusly.

punk rock + reckless driving = fun. it's one of the certainties of the universe.

...

despite what a title like "lithium motor lodge" may lead you to believe, it's not always sunshine and song over here in my life. i find i dwell a lot on the topic of pills.

primarily because i'm having another bout of kick-ass insomnia. i've a secret stash of shit i take when nothing else works. i've been busy, but it's good busy, productive, lately, and times like this often keep me up all night. i get sometimes something like 3 hours a night for nights and nights in a row. i've been having it lately, so i'm into the stash. thank you, pills.

i remember the bad old days of lithium. at a max, i was taking 2100mg a day, in seven three hundred meg pills. i tried once taking them all at the same time, and results were unpleasant. yeah, my mood was nice and stabilized, meanwhile i'm dehydrated.

now i'm taking effexor. if i miss a dose, not so bad. if i miss two, i feel it. problem is, i just left one job for another, and while i'll have insurance soon enough, i'll have to pony up for the next two months worth, unless i'm prepared to do without. unlikely.

i remember abilify, at $750 a bottle. i remember taking upwards of 17 pills a day, for months in a row. i remember taking something with a side effect of "may cause deadly rash". every now and again, i'll find something in an old purse or backpack that was a failed pharmacological experiment, wonder what it does, and then throw it in the trash for the neighborhood thugs to play with.

but for now, it's just one a day. one measley little white pill, but still a pony i find i ride. and these that knock me out. blessings from a frustrated RN, tired of hearing me complain.

i don't know where i was going with this. i'm sure there was a point, and it all sounded so much better in my head. maybe i'll write a limerick about pharma. just don't know.

anyway, i'm awake, but not for long.